Operation: Sex Shop!
by Nadine25
Summary: Renji loses a bet with Yumichika, who forces him to give a present to a certain Kuchiki."What exactly is this thing Abarai Fukutaicho?" ,,,"It-It's it's a….a... It's a dildo Taicho."


**I have no idea why I wrote this, but I did. So hopefully you'll like it. If you do, please Review, you'll make me very happy and I might even do a sequel. **

**Operation Sex Shop**

What a nice day. The birds are chirping happily, the sky is clear, the air is fresh and Abarai Renji is screwed. Yup, you heard me; screwed.

The red headed man pondered that, as he sauntered back from the tenth division. He was in no hurry to get back to his own division. Not after what he has just learned. Being a scaredy -cat was never one of Renji's epithets. But now he couldn't help but admit that; he was a little bit scared. He was also very angry; he wished he could displace this anger onto anyone. He tried really hard to do so, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he was the only one to blame for his current predicament. *Of course it doesn't help that I have Satan and his assistant for friends.* the irritable Shingami pondered. But all and all it was his fault and his fault alone.

Yesterday, Renji was a happy man; he didn't really have to deal with any of the issues that currently plagued his mind. But he had to go and get drunk, didn't he? Renji reflected on what Matsumoto has just told him. He has woken up with a headache and a blank memory. So his first instinct was to seek out his drinking buddy, and ask her for a recap of last night's events; like he normally does whenever he blanks out on incalculable stretches of time.

**Flashback to a few moments earlier:**

"I can't believe you forgot about that." Matsumoto exclaimed, as she prodded herself on her elbows to take a better look at him. She was lying on the couch, she normally used as a bed whenever; she had to work. Her wide pupils and flushed cheeks, assured Renji that the forever perky lieutenant was still a little tipsy.

"Forgot about what?"

"About the bet." She exclaimed once more in a dramatic voice.

"What bet?"

"AHHHH, Damn it Renji." She yelled in frustration.

"Will you keep it down?" Renji hissed at the drunken screaming woman.

"I'm not screaming." She said childishly. "But you should be."

"And why is that exactly?" he asked, with a frustrated sigh.

"Because, you have to buy your captain a present."

Renji sighed once more. *For a second there I actually thought that; I got myself into a heap of trouble*

"And why is that exactly?"

"Because you lost the bet and this is your punishment."

"Once again; what bet?"

"You had an ongoing bet with _Yumichika_. You thought; he was a light weight and wouldn't be able to out-drink you."

"He is a light weight, who can never out-drink me."

"Well, he did." She said with a sly smile.

Renji huffed. *So that sissy boy out-drank me hah?* he thought.

"Fine then, so he won the bet and my punishment is simply; to buy Kuchiki Taicho a present." He paused thinking "How pathetic is that."

The tenth squad lieutenant gave her drinking buddy a devious smile.

"That's not all, is it?" he questioned.

"No it's not." She said simply. "The terms of the bet are and I quote…" she started in a deep voice as if making an announcement. "The loser of this bet shall buy his captain a present. However, said present has to be of the winner's choice."

"Of his choice?" Renji almost shouted. *He knew how twisted the narcissistic Shinigami could get.

"Yes. Not to mention that; the loser must deliver the present to his captain in person and wait for a response." She paused for dramatic effect. "And those my friend, are the terms of the bet."

**End of Flashback:**

So Renji was now grumpily making his way back to his squad. His first instinct was to avoid Ayasegawa _Yumichika_, in hopes that; he would eventually forget about it. However, this has proved to be easier said than done, since said Shinigami was standing right in front of the squad 6 barracks. Renji blanched.

"Heya, Renji." Yumi cooed.

"Hey Ayasegawa." Renji said plastering a fake smile on his face. *Maybe he won't remember* Renji clung to the last bit of hope, offered by his tormented soul.

"So, ready to go shopping?"

*Nope didn't forget.*

An hour later Yumi and his disgruntled companion were swiftly making their way through a crowd, in the human world. They had made a quick stop at Urahara's to get some Gigai and now they were ready for action. Or at least Yumi was, as he had this sparking glimmer in his eyes, which never bodes well for anyone. Actually Ikkaku once advised Renji to run if he ever sees Yumi this happy. And the man was currently ecstatic. And even though he was in a Gigai, he was practically floating on air. Renji gulped *Why can't I just run.* he thought bitterly.

"hey Ayasegawa, where are we going?" Renji questioned, dreading the answer.

"To a sex shop." The feathered Shinigami replied simply.

"W-what?" Renji stuttered, he had never heard of a sex shop before. "And what the hell are we gonna buy there." he paused "Oh, hell no, I'm not getting my Taicho a girl from there."

_Yumichika__ raised an elegantly arched eyebrow at his companion's lack of knowledge, of what according to Yumi is a; vital matter. "You think we're gonna buy a person?"_

_"Well, You said…." Renji trailed off as Yumi started giggling. _

_"Oh this is gonna be so much fun." _

_Yumichika parted the distinct red curtains gracefully and ushered his bewildered friend into this new place. It wasn't anything that Renji expected. It was shabby, shady and a little dusty. And even though the words "Sex Shop" have been so elegantly scripted on the front of the shop, after passing through the red curtains , the place was just plain creepy. Adding to its apparent creepiness were the creeps, who were literally everywhere. *What the hell are they doing here? And why are they acting like that?* Renji thought._

_"Wait, why is that man wearing a rain coat midsummer? And sunglasses, you can barely see as it is." Renji exclaimed. _

_Yumi gave him a knowing smile. _

_"Well most people aren't as comfortable buying love items, as we are." He sang. _

_"L-Love items?" Renji's eyes went wide as for the first time his attention was actually drawn to the merchandise. He was too busy watching the people and frowning upon the whole experience to notice. But his attention was now drawn to a life size poster of two naked women, sitting oh so gracefully in what could only be described; as an outrageous pose. _

_Renji was torn between looking away in outrage and gawking to his heart's content. Needless to say he chose to gawk. He then noticed a few CD's with similar pictures on the covers. Above them shone some of the most ridiculous titles he has ever read. The now slightly horny Shinigami couldn't help but cackle at the sheer ridiculousness of the titles. _

_"Now that you've had your fun, it's time to get down to business." Came Yumi's sing song voice that snapped him out of his trance. _

_*he's too happy. This can't be good* Renji thought, before Yumi grabbed his hand and pulled him away from some magazines, that he desperately wanted to read. _

_When Yumi came to a stop Renji found himself staring at some oddly shaped contraptions. Yumi was eyeing those things with giddy excitement. _

_"What are those?"_

"What do you think they are?"

"I don't know."

"Think."

"Umm, they're shaped really weird, like a…."

"A what?"

Renji scratched his head and tilted it slightly to the side eyeing those things thoughtfully. "Like bananas or maybe hotdogs… or….. OH DEAR GOD!" Renji exclaimed drawing the attention of a few people to himself. "NO!" he screamed again, ignoring the disapproving looks he was getting, in lieu of the fact that; he was desecrating the shadiness of the place by being so loud.

"Yes." Yumi said simply, his smile now turning feral.

During the next few minutes, the normally quiet place witnessed a lot of ruckus. As tortured screams echoed throughout:

"THE HELL…"

"WHY FOR GOD'S SAKE WILL YOU EVER WANT IT TO VIBRATE?"

"IT DOES WHAT?"

"WHO EATS WHAT?"

"YOU SICK, SICK FREAKS….. ALL OF YOU."

"AHH, MY BRAIN."

And some interesting conversations like:

On being introduced to a very special jar and its benefits, Renji yelled.

"This is crap. Lubrication, my ass."

"Exxactly"

A few minutes later Yumi was walking around the place in search of something, while Renji followed him like a lost puppy, eyes glazed over as his mind went into over drive. He was mumbling "Oh dear lord, why?" To himself over and over again. In fact the hot headed Shinigami was too confused that; he didn't notice it when Yumi stopped walking. This caused him to walk right into him. This however, didn't bother Yumi in the least, as he was happily eyeing something, with the air of a cat that has just recently located a particularly delectable mouse.

"Finally, the perfect gift." Yumi declared happily eyeing an item that sat gracefully over the shelf. Oh screw it; the word graceful could never be associated with such a thing.

"Gift?"

"Yup, you're gonna give this to Kuchiki Taicho."

"B-But it has spikes on it."

**A few hours later in the squad six main office:**

Byakuya turned over the last piece of paper work for the day. He had to work all by himself today, as his pesky lieutenant didn't show up for work and didn't even bother to come up with an excuse. Byakuya had vowed to decapitate him at some point this morning.

The noble was about to get up from his desk, ready to call it a day, when he felt a surge of very familiar Reiatsu right outside the door.

*Renji* the noble pondered.

A second later Renji started knocking on the door. Byakuya raised an eyebrow, as his lieutenant has never knocked before. Not even after Byakuya sat him down for a long lecture on the hierarchy of this squad and how he should always show him respect. And now he knocks? Not to mention that his Reiatsu was even more hectic than usual. Byakuya eyed the door, allowing a hint of amusement to tarnish his perfectly stoic psyche.

"You may enter." The noble declared regally.

Slowly the door opened, and an oh-so-familiar tattooed face popped in. Renji looked like hell, he seemed like he was about ready to run. *is he that scared that I would punish him for not showing up for work?* the raven haired taicho reflected, as he regarded his normally fearless lieutenant struggle with the decision to enter the office.

Renji finally walked in and stood in front of his captain, his hands hidden behind his back as he looked intently at the ground. He was fidgeting and fiddling, to such a degree that it almost unnerved the normally stoic man, peering amusedly onto him.

"Renji" Byakuya started monotonously. "Care to explain why you are 8 hours late."

Renji lifted his eyes slightly, still not meeting the noble's eyes.

"I-ah-I'm really sorry taicho." The red headed man replied weakly.

"I-I have a present for you." He said finally revealing what he was holding in his hand. It was a purple polka dotted box, with a blue ribbon tied on it. Renji held it for his captain, who for the first time in a very long time, was slightly stunned.

The Kuchiki heir took the box without a word and proceeded to open it.

Renji started to sweat profusely as he watched his captain open the box. He was expecting some sort of a reaction but his captain's face remained as impassive as ever. Renji was somewhat relieved, however, said relieve was very short lived.

"What exactly is this thing Abarai Fukutaicho?"

Renji blanched, and for a few seconds he simply proceeded to stare at his captain wide eyed, unable to even breathe.

"You know I hate to repeat myself." Byakuya stated impassively.

"It-It's it's a….a... It's a dildo Taicho." Renji mumbled looking at the ground again.

Byakuya raised an eyebrow. Eyeing the banana shaped item curiously.

"I see."

"And what are the spikes for exactly?"

"Well they're for extra p…p…."

"Extra what?"

"Extra pleasure Taicho." He once again mumbled, now vowing to never look his captain in the eyes ever again.

"I see."

"Taicho I swear I didn't mean to. It was all, their fault, I swear…."

Renji's mumbling came to an end as a shadow cast on him made him look up from the ground. He raised his head to see his captain mere inches away from him holding the spiky object.

"T-Taicho?"

"It's only fair that we put your thoughtful present to good use renji. Now lie down on the desk."

**Meanwhile, by the gate to the 6****th**** division offices:**

"Why is Renji screaming like that?" Hisagi asked as he finally caught up to _Yumichika __and Matsumoto._

_The pair exchanged a meaningful look, before smirking. _

_"What did you two do?" _

_"Nothing really." Yumi defended. "I won a bet with him last night. So he's merely doing as promised." _

_"A bet?" _

_"Yah, last night when we were drinking." Yumi said confidently. _

_"But, you weren't out drinking with us last night. It was only me, Ran and Renji." Hisagi stated a little confused. _

_"Ooopps."_

_Meanwhile back in the office Renji's mind finally cleared and he started screaming a completely different thing. _

_"__Yumichika, __You bastard! You weren't even there."_

_"Matsumotoooooooo I'm gonna kill you." _

_And after a short pause. _

_"Please, Please just use Senbonzakra!" _

**You'll find that a few things can be scarier than Senbonzakura. **

**I hope you liked it. Please Review : D **


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